- Sexual Assault Also Affect Friends and Family - Office on Women's Health
When someone is sexually assaulted, the survivor can go through a range of emotional responses. But they are not the only ones: people close to the survivor, like siblings, parents, friends, and partners, can also go through many of the same feelings. They are called secondary survivors—people who are in the survivor's life and help her deal with what happened to her. The New Britain Sexual Assault Crisis Service's Counselor Advocate Training Manual states that is natural for secondary survivors to feel “powerless, guilty, shocked, angry, or scared,” but that they should “try not to let these feelings interfere with the help that the survivor needs.”
What Secondary Survivors Should Avoid Doing
When finding out that someone close to you has been raped or sexually assaulted, it can be difficult to know how to act. Even though the news can be disturbing for the secondary survivor, remember that the survivor is dealing with the shock and hurt, and needs support. People close to the survivor should be careful not to victim blame, which can be detrimental to the survivor's recovery. For example, do not ask “why” questions, such as “why did you wear that skirt?” or “why were out that late?” Those types of questions do not help the survivor. The Counselor Advocate Training Manual recommends posing this question to yourself before asking the survivor a detailed question: “Am I asking this for the survivor of myself—do I really need to know this in order to comfort my friend?”
Secondary survivors should also be careful not to deny the assault. Listen to the survivor and encourage her to do what she needs to heal. This means not forcing the survivor to go back to her regular schedule if she is not ready. If the assailant is known by the secondary survivors, it may be difficult for them to believe that the assault occurred. Should this occur, focus on the survivor and listening to what she needs; do not protect the assailant or tell her that she is lying—this could prevent the survivor from opening up to other people and getting the help she needs. Let the survivor know that she is not alone, but do not compare her assault to another situation.
How to Help the Survivor Heal After the Assault
Because the people who become secondary survivors are the closest to the survivor, they can provide a significant amount of support to help her move forward. Listening to the survivor is the most important: she will reveal as much as she feels comfortable with, and just needs someone to listen. When hearing her story, tell her that it is not her fault, and that she is very brave for coming forward—affirmation is essential in the healing process. If the survivor is worried about her safety, offer to help her by letting her know she is safe with you; if the survivor is in danger, do not hesitate to seek professional help.
How to Help Yourself Heal
Secondary survivors who feel upset should not repress their feelings. Counselors can help secondary survivors come to terms to what happened, and help them deal with their own feelings. If the secondary survivor is also a survivor of violence, the Counselor Advocate Training Manual states that “the rape of a loved one can bring up painful memories or issues that can get in the way of being supportive and helpful.” If this is the case, do not hesitate to seek counseling. Resources are also available online: Pandora's Project has a page dedicated to the friends and family of the survivor. Educating yourself about sexual assault and rape can help you and the survivor deal with this traumatic event.
Note: While the female pronoun is used in this article, both men and women can be survivors of sexual assault.
Source:
New Britain Sexual Assault Crisis Service, Counselor Advocate Training Manual, 2007
Elizabeth Stannard Gromisch - Elizabeth Stannard Gromisch is a recent graduate of Trinity College in Hartford, CT with a Bachelor’s of Science degree in ...
